Monday, August 4, 2008

To everything, there is a season...damn

First off, for those of you who are wondering, my period held off for Thursday and has been holding off ever since. So while I'm eternally grateful that she did not arrive on Thursday, any time now would be good. A friend's words are ringing in my ears that she was in the same boat as me a while back and ended up having to go on birth control pills for a month to get her cycle regulated. I can't even think about that.

Second, today is cycle day 81. In 9 days, if my period is still MIA, I will officially have a season-long-cycle. That's absolutely outrageous to me and fills me with an overwhelming urge to throw things.

Okay, on to my post....

Today's been ugly, my mood foul. I'm hoping that turning to my blog and getting everything out of my head will offer some sense of solace.

I arrived home from Buffalo yesterday evening. It was great to see my two best friends and their families but the weekend was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Like your heart swelling with joy while simultaneously your entire chest is aching. It's hard to explain...highs and lows, joyful and saddening, just heart wrenching overall.

My best friend is due in October and she looks amazing...just like her regular self but with a beautiful bump. Like I said before, her journey to motherhood has had its own challenges and so her pregnancy is different than everybody else's for me. I'm excited for her where most other people's pregnancies just depress the sh!t out of me. was a weekend filled with baby talk, small children and the most exquisite baby I've ever laid eyes on (seriously, this kid was so cute, she could've sold me baby food). These are all things I typically avoid these days. And it gradually wore me down. My husband did not come along for the trip and by Friday night, as everyone else slept, I laid in the dark staring at the ceiling thinking about how I needed a hug. I was the only one husbandless and felt as though I needed mine the most right at that moment.

Also, my neck has been bothering me for the last few months and last week, it got worse. I think the long drive and hauling my duffle bag around aggravated it even more and by Friday evening, I broke down in tears and called the on-call doctor. I don't think near constant pain is good for an infertile woman's enthusiasm level and overall peppiness.

The funny thing on this trip was that there was no way to predict what would bring on the lump in my throat. One moment, I'd be fine playing with the kids, the next moment with them would make my chest hurt. I'd admire my best friend's belly a million times, and the time after that, I'd be hit by a wave of sadness. I'd participate in all of the baby talk with no problems and then out of nowhere, it would make me want to cry. There was one thing that got me every time though. I've only hung out with my best friend's husband a handful of times and have never really seen him around kids for a extended period of time. He played with those kids with so much joy and anticipation. When his nephew would chat with him and then wander away, I'd watch the expectant father's smiling eyes follow the boy as he walked off. I always had to look away.

I'm going to end with positive thoughts from the trip because this all sounds too depressing. I got to feel baby Kara kick! And I got to feel how hard my best friend's bump is which always amazes's like a smooth rock! I saw an old friend at the shower and met a new one (more on that later). I came home with an awesome drawing of me posing with a chair and a can of Pepsi which a certain soon-to-be-second-grader drew for me and I will display prominently on my fridge. I got to laugh a lot....even if it was often bittersweet laughter. I got to spend time with my two best friends in the world. And if I had to do it all over again, I would without a second thought.

Confession: I peed on a stick on the way home. I know, I have problems. But I got to driving and just started daydreaming that maybe that five days of spotting was really my period and the eggwhite cervical mucus was really me ovulating and maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant. It's all totally feasible, right? And my best friend and I always talked about how we wanted to be pregnant together, and then I could text her and say "it's positive!" and she could call me and we could cry together about how amazing life is. It'd be great, so I must be pregnant, right? I even splurged and bought the more accurate digital test so I wouldn't miss the positive that I was certain to have. And I peed on a stick right in the grocery store restroom. But I'm sorry to disappoint, folks, it was negative. You're shocked, I know. And then I had a nine hour car ride to ponder that result.

This morning, my doctor's office called to check on me since I contacted the on-call doctor over the weekend. I went in for an appointment and, sure enough, I strained my neck and it is spasming. I scored some muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories. Jealous? Yeah, you are. They don't really give me a buzz though. Just make me drowsy, but damn, my neck feels a lot less tight. While I was there, I also asked my doctor if he could recommend a therapist for me and he could! He gave me a name and I left her a message today. Hoefully, she takes my insurance. I need some strategies for dealing with all of this stress.

I'll let you know how all of that season.


kate said...

I really have nothing amazing to say except You're in my thoughts. I really hope that this damn cycle ends soon. And that the next one is "normal." ((hugs))

Kelly said...

Oh Jack, this post makes my heart ache for you. I knew this weekend would be tough on you, but reading this makes me cry. I just want to say that you are the best friend in the world for coming to be with me this weekend, knowing what a rough few days it would be. I am truly a better person for having you in my life. I love you.

JackiJaguar said...

Awww, don't cry, Kel. It was a great weekend...I even got a pic of me, a chair and a can of Pepsi! It doesn't get any better than that! Besides, you know I'd never pass on an opportunity to spend time with you, no matter what the circumstances. We'd manage to have fun at a funeral..a baby's a piece of cake. I love you, too.
xoxo, your BFF who pees on sticks in the Springville Topps (I still can't believe I did that)