Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Please excuse my open hostility today

Oh my God. It's going to start all over again.

I had snapped off the light and was staring off into the darkness, willing myself toward sleep. I was thinking about how summer was winding down, school would be starting back up soon and a good friend would deliver her first child next month. Wait, next month?! I quickly did the math. In less than 4 weeks, she will bring home her baby.

And then it hit me, like a truck carrying a ton of bricks and towing a steamroller. It's going to start all over again. All of the friends who have stepped up, an average of one friend every five to six weeks (not that I'm counting), since this past January to tell me they're pregnant...they're going to deliver their babies.

Fuuuuuuuck. Why hadn't this occurred to me sooner? I stared at the ceiling, wide awake now, pondering.

Amy, Kelly, Angie, Kim, Kristen, Julie, Johanna. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Seven bumps in a pretty little row. All pregnant.

Jacki Jaguar. Not.

I guess I was so wrapped up in processing all of the pregnancies around me that I kind of forgot that, in 40 weeks, they would all actually have babies, like real, live, crying, sleeping, cooing babies. I mean, don't get me wrong. That's good for them. I wouldn't wish it any other way. It's just that they're going to actually have their babies.

Hmm. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not so impressed with this realization.

I'm going to have to meet babies, view baby photos sent to me in e-mails, congratulate new parents, watch other people congratulate them, watch people watch them while they gaze at their new infant and smile because it's all such a beautiful miracle.

And every five to six weeks, I'm going to have to do it all over again.

I have one good friend left who is not pregnant. She will start trying to conceive in November (if I don't jab her with Depo Provera before that). And if the majority of my other friends are any indication, she will have no problems and will be announcing her pregnancy within two months of beginning her endeavor. And frankly, that's how it should be, really. I don't want her to have to deal with any of this infertility bullsh!t. It's just that I don't want to deal with it either.

After that, if I'm not yet pregnant, I will officially be the last woman standing.

That's f#cking bullsh!t. Where's my goddamn beautiful miracle?

After reading this over, this would probably be a good time to mention that I think I found a counselor. We're playing phone tag right now, but if all goes well, I should meet with her on Friday. Hopefully, I will be returning to my regular, reasonably sunny, moderately nice self soon.


Anonymous said...

you're excused and you can stab me anytime if it means i can spend time with you!
i love you!

JenM said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine. 7 friends?? Unbelievable. Stay strong.

~Hollie said...

GUUUUURRRRRRRLLLLLL let me tell you, I am SOOO RIGHT WITH YOU!! Not to mention, some of our friends have the SAME NAMES!!!! I am the only person in my fam that is of child bearing age that isn't preggo at this very moment. I no longer have any friends that do not have kids or are pg. The last one, the last holdout, is due next month!! I think it will be good for you to speak to a counselor. It helped me immensely. I have become more comfortable with my situation and saying "this is my journey, that is theirs" and when I get like I want to scream or smack something, I say in my head, "NOT HELPFUL". Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes I drown myself into a giant latte or a nice SkInnY CoW ice cream cone. Makes it better for me. :) Hugs!

Amy said...

As one of those pregnant friends, please let me know what I can do to make a bit easier on you! And if my dog and baby don't get along,you can have the kid.

(please know that's a joke :))

JackiJaguar said...

Amy, you can drive me to therapy...LOL Really, no worries, you're already doing it and you have been all along. I never thought I'd be able to call a pregnant friend to vent about all the pregnancy in my midst.

Mosie, I miss you and love you,too.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry Jacki. I have several pg friends too and coworkers who are all giving birth to their miracles soon too. All I can think is that my miracle should be coming in November, but all of that got taken away from me.

I'm glad for my friends too who don't have to deal with IF. But like you said, I don't want to fucking deal with it either. :(

I have to believe that someday we will have our miracles too Jacki. Someday we will. ((hugs))

Stephanie said...

And I should add....I have been going to therapy for 2 weeks now, and I love it. I feel like it is a great release for me! I am so glad I found someone to talk to!