BFN and then....

So I got my blood test this morning to confirm my non-pregnant status. The nurse told me to expect a call confirming my negative result after 2:30 and then they'd call in my Provera prescription. My phone rang around three and the nurse says, "Well, you're not pregnant...however..."

Wait!! What??!! There's a however?! What could the however possibly be?

"You ovulated." What?! My cycle day 12 ultrasound revealed many, unfortunately tiny eggs. I humored the doctor with a cycle day 20 ultrasound just to be sure, only to find even more unfortunately tiny eggs. And now on cycle day 32, you're telling me that, lo and behold, 100 mg of Clomid actually worked but too late for any of us to actually notice?!

Motherf%cker.

"You have to wait another week to see if your period arrives naturally, come in for another pregnancy test and then we can give you the Provera." Arrggghh....hell! I flash back to the past week or so....could I even be pregnant? No. I got wicked sunburn last week, on my inner thighs no less, and so sex was so not happening. I don't have a shot at being pregnant. And now I just have to wait another stupid week to get the ball rolling (I know, I know, it's a lesson in patience, blah blah blah, I don't wanna hear it right now).

I don't actually say any of that. My response is more along the lines of "Okay, thanks."

Here's the weird thing. I'm actually annoyed that I ovulated. I know what you're thinking, I should be grateful. But this is my blog so I get to be honest. I'm annoyed. For a couple reasons. First, we missed the big O so I never got to have the IUI. That part makes me want to kick my ovaries for d!cking around for the first 20 days. Second, and I've been pondering this part for awhile, (insert my whispering voice here) I don't think the Clomid is my answer. I don't know why. It's just a gut thing. I don't think Clomid is what's meant to give me a baby. I have no real rationale for this nor medical expertise, it's just my big hunch. And so I'm kind of aggravated because this means I have to spend more time taking Clomid since it actually did its job and made me ovulate. I have to spend more time on the treatment that I don't believe is the answer for me. I had already changed my mindset to one more month of Clomid and then moving on to the next step. I had done all of my reading up on injectables and had my game face on.

Now, I don't need anyone to leave me comments about how I'm negative and I should be counting my blessings. I know and I'm counting. I know that the fact that the Clomid worked is medically a good thing. I know the risks of injectables, especially with PCOS. It's just that I had already processed and accepted the fact that the Clomid didn't work. I'm a planner and I had already made my plan. Planners are not impressed when they have to change their plans. I had moved on from this cycle. And now....I have to make sense of things again.

OK, God. I understand that I don't get to control everything. Point made. And I guess thank you for the pleasant surprise of ovulation. I'm sorry it's taking me awhile to appreciate it. I promise to be on board with your plan by next week.

grateful for grateful

This journey through infertility has left me frequently in a foul mood. Infertility is nearly constantly with me in a way that I can't describe to a fertile person. It's just always....there.

I am a grateful person by nature. My father worked hard to instill in me a sense of gratitude for the little things. I grew up happy to have a bottle of bubbles, a box of Lucky Charms, an animal to care for. As an adult, I'm still happy to have the bubbles, Lucky Charms and pets, but it's more stuff, too. When I'm stuck in traffic, I often remind myself how fortunate I am to have paved roads to drive on and a car to get to where I'm going. When I step outside, I'm happy for the warmth of the sun on my face. When I watch the news, I'm reminded how blessed I am to have been born in the United States. Despite our country's many issues, I realize there are devastating struggles going on in so many other nations. Watching my students play at recess brings me joy I can't express. The sound of crickets makes me close my eyes and sigh with contentment.

And so now I'm infertile. And things are just....different. I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking over this whole thing and trying to make sense of it. The way I view my world has changed. Things are cloudier. My outlook is hazy. Like I'm so wrapped up in what I don't have that I'm often failing to recognize what's right in front of me. The littlest things remind me of my infertility and it just hurts.

A couple of days ago, I was outside with my husband and two dogs. Joe was coaxing the dogs into enjoying the first time in their kiddie pool. Watching them, gratitude and contentment just washed over me. In that few minutes, life was good and I didn't feel infertile. And it struck me. I'm grateful to be grateful. My eyes welled and my chest ached. I'm just happy to have this moment where I feel grateful because the feeling is so much fewer and far between than I'm used to.

I don't entirely know yet what life lessons I'm supposed to get out of this whole infertility deal. Frankly, some days I'm not even interested in learning the lessons. But I think that recognizing that I should be grateful just for the moments when I actually feel grateful is a good start.