CSI: Vagina

Besides my pregnancy tests, BBT thermometer and other assorted fertility/infertility items, there's another product I now require: a junior scientist kit to figure out this whole spotting versus actual period business. Can you picture me? I'd wear safety goggles with a lab coat and I'd have a microscope, magnifying glass and test tubes (I wouldn't really use the test tubes, that's just gross. I'd display them on my lab table next to me to look more science-y).

This past week has consisted of 6,000 trips to the bathroom to "check". I began spotting this past Friday. I am not one to normally spot, but then throw infertility meds into the mix and nothing is normal. So I'm spotting....and investigating, continually investigating. Is this considered a period yet? What about this? I continue to spot into the weekend. On Saturday, I wonder if I should call it a period. By Sunday, I feel like maybe I can call it a period. It's more than just a tiny bit of spotting. It's heavy spotting??? At what point does heavy spotting become a light period?

Monday rolls around. I'm worried about missing the window to start my fertility meds. Still having is-it-spotting-or-a-period? type bleeding. Can I officially call it a period now? What about now? How about now? I call the RE's office. I'm put through to Nurse Lisa, the same woman who had previously called me to tell me I ovulated twice...or not. Lisa asks me questions about color and flow. She puts me on hold and gets in a huddle with the other nurses and nurse practitioner. I can imagine them, like football referees, debating the play from each of their angles. I wait patiently on hold while they make their decision. Finally, after all the heads nod in agreement, Lisa steps out of the huddle, walks to the center of the field, smoothes her black and white striped shirt and announces their decision:

"Continue to hold, it is not a period, the color is not sufficient. 4th down, Jacki's ball."

Goddamnit! I'm the coach who dramatically throws my clipboard on the field and screams about how that call is bullsh!t. Ughhhhh...I have to wait another day or two to "see what happens" and I should call the office again either way. If I don't get a period, I can come in for more testing. Double ughhhhhhh....I'm sick of this cycle and all of the tests that have gone with it. As a consolation prize, Lisa calls the mail order pharmacy to order my injectables. If they are approved quickly enough, I can start shots instead of another round of Clomid.

Tuesday, spotting, not enough for a tampon, still the wrong color.

Wednesday, nothing. It's gone. Oh sh!t, was that my period and now it's over and I didn't start injectables or Clomid? I will freak, I tell you. This 60-some day cycle is putting me over the edge. I call RE's office again. This time I chat with Nurse Regina. Regina gives off an air of confidence. Like she knows exactly what's up with my vagina and if my vagina tries to disagree with her, she'll give it a piece of her mind. Her last name actually is Vagina. She's Regina Vagina.

"Look, your period will arrive within 14 days of taking the last pill. This is very common with progesterone. You start to spot, you think you're getting your period and then it disappears. It will be back. And when it returns, it will be a regular flow, red period. You should get it by the end of this week, mayyybe the beginning of next."

She's so sure, I'm surprised she didn't tell me that it will arrive on July 19th at 3:07 p.m.

So period, I'll be here, waiting, rather impatiently. Friday would be a great day to arrive as I will be home awaiting the delivery of my injectables (woot!). Or maybe I'll just see you on July 19th at 3:07.