Thursday, July 24, 2008

Here we go again...

Last night, I had a melt down. It was just time. It had been awhile and acknowledging that the progesterone wasn't working coupled with the positive result of my rheumatoid arthritis test was just too much. I curled up in my husband's arms, tears started leaking out and quicky turned into sobbing. For the first time, I asked, "What if I'm not supposed to be a mom?" This was followed by wondering what we would do with the two other bedrooms in our home. We bought this house to raise a family in. Those rooms are meant for children. What if that never happens? What if kids' squeals and laughter never echo through my home? I eventually cried myself to sleep.

I should mention my husband fell asleep mid-meltdown while I was still in his arms. He was rubbing my shoulder while I cried, and it was getting slower, and slower, and slower until it stopped. He was asleep. I'll let him slide though. It was a school night. Still, it's a little funny.

Today, I went for my cycle day 70 bloodwork. Nothing routine about that, huh? So the usual nurse calls me back and asks me how I'm doing. I couldn't really...make words. Not at first. I just shook my head and managed to squeak out, "It's day 70" while fighting back tears. This spilled into something to the effect of me not knowing how much longer I could do this. She thankfully changed the topic to the newest Batman movie and, for that, I love her.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's only been just over a year. I know there are tons of women who have been on their infertility journey for significantly longer than me. I in no way feel as though I'm on the same level as them. But the thing is, I don't know how they do it. I try to imagine myself in the same spot in two years or even one year from now and the idea is unbearable. The emotional ups and downs of infertility exhaust me.

The RE's office called me back in the afternoon. They didn't bother to tell me that my pregnancy test was negative which I appreciated. She said that the doctor is doubling my dose of progesterone but I only have to take it for seven days rather than ten. Then she told me that the doctor said that, if I did not get a full flow, and only had spotting, that would be considered a period for this cycle. The doctor made a special note about this in my file so the nurses would be aware. Apparently seventy days makes you special.

In other cycle hillarity, I've been having egg white cervical mucus for the past four days. Ha! That makes me laugh while I choke back tears. I've been charting it on Fertility Friend and noticed that it started twelve days after my five-day-spotting-streak. Do you think that heavy spotting was a period after all and my jacked up body actually managed to ovulate? I have no idea since I've been waiting for my next cycle to resume temping, but wouldn't that be a kicker? Don't worry, we had sex. Just in case.


CG said...

The IF struggle is frustrating at times but it is completely ok to break down once in awhile. Enjoy your weekend and treat yourself to something special.

manatee said...

IF is not fair and I'm so sorry it's been a bad week. ((hugs))