Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Get my freak on? I can't even find my freak.

Mr Jaguar and I still have not done the deed since BabyJaguar was born. It's my fault entirely which I'm sure you can guess is no surprise. I hope he doesn't freak that I'm blogging about this but I think it warrants discussion and that I'm not the only one struggling with this.

There are a lot of elements factoring into this. First, pushing during delivery can lead to hemorrhoids and, unfortunately, it did. And, unfortunately, three months later, they're still not entirely gone. Improving but not entirely gone. So there's my concern about extra physical pain added on to the common physical pain of sex after shoving a baby out of you. Second, BabyJaguar sleeps in a cosleeper in our room, as in his sleeping area is strapped securely to our sleeping area. Third, I've always been a multi-tasker, but this has now reached a whole new level. I go to bed thinking about what has to be done and I find it very hard to quiet my mind and let myself be present in the moment when it doesn't involve BabyJaguar. Fourth, I have BabyJaguar in my personal space all day long. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore it. I love nursing him and playing with him in my lap and and having him doze on my shoulder. But at the end of the day, I often need my own space for a while. Fifth, my hormones are not what they used to be. My libido is really really really low right now. Sixth, I feel like I've lost a lot of my sexual identity. Through infertility treatments and then pregnancy where sex was banned the majority of the time, I can barely connect with my sexual self. I don't even know where she is frankly. Seventh, Mr Jaguar and I are negotiating our way through the bumps of being new parents. It can be stressful and the adjustment has been difficult at times, leaving us both tense as we are stretched thinner than normal. Eighth, I feel really unattractive right now. My body is not what it used to be and I'm still working on accepting it. Ninth, it seems my body has been repurposed. Its responsibilities include growing a baby, delivering a baby and now feeding a baby. My sexual self is not included in any of those three categories. Last, I am completely exhausted. This has improved somewhat but by the time my head hits the pillow, I am beat. And I'm counting the hours until BabyJaguar is going to wake up to nurse. Geez, this a long paragraph. I told you there were a lot of factors.

How's my husband doing with this? Not great, but okay. He has been extraordinarily patient and understanding with me in this arena, but he is ready to get back in the saddle and has been for a long while. We don't actually use a saddle...that's just an idiom. Just wanted to be completely clear on that.

How am I doing with all of this? I am riddled with guilt. I am definitely feeling like a failure as a wife in this department and, ultimately, as a mommy because I know I have to take care of my marriage to be a good parent. And I love my husband so much and feel like I'm letting him down, neglecting his needs.

So my friends keep telling me I need to make a date with my husband. But I start back at work on September 1st (a very depressing post that is soon to come) and, honestly, I'm not willing to give up time with BabyJaguar when I know I will have to leave him for over 40 hours a week very very soon. I can't do it. And I would ruin the date. So, in September, I vow to make a date with my husband and see if I can get my sexy back. It may be a slow process, but I'm up for the challenge. My marriage is too important.


heatherhollars said...

it's THE hardest thing to get your mojo when you're breast feeding! i dont want to scare you, but i pretty much had no drive till i stopped. just take of mr.jaguar anyway you can, get thru the year and it will get better! And i know its hard to get out of the nursing bra because its so easy and convienent, but lets face it-its not sexy! i had that problem.

Jennifer said...

Our babies are about the same age, and I'm feeling much the same way. You've expressed it very well. I am completely disconnected from my sexual self and have little interest in reconnecting. We actually tried, three weeks ago, and it was a dismal failure. I was clearly uncomfortable and not into it, so DH insisted on stopping. We agreed we'd try again soon. I keep putting it off and feeling guilty about it. (And sex on the couch isn't going to be comfortable!)

Amy said...

Lexi is 18 weeks old and DH and I have done the deed twice in that time. I second everything you said...I'm just not "feeling" it. And I'm not sure how to reconnect with the hubs.