Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'll take the antibiotics and a minor breakdown

Conclusions up to this point:

1. I refuse to go on anymore Valentine's Day dates with my gynecologist because he throws around dirty words like infertility on the most romantic day of the year.

2. I feel broken...most of the time.

3. I feel very alone...sometimes. Even when surrounded by the love and support of family and friends, I sometimes just feel so alone in this.

Moving on...
March 8th~ I blindsided my family doctor today. Looking back, it's a little funny. I was sick and I mean sick. It was just a sinus infection but it was one of those ones where you're bargaining with God....if you make me feel a little better, I'll be nicer to people who annoy me, if you bring me any relief at all, I will be less sarcastic and even try to swear less (that's right, I felt so bad I was willing to give up the swearing). On the way to my appointment, I decided that I would also ask my doctor if he could refer me to a counselor. I'd been having a hard time dealing with my problems trying to conceive, some issues at work and just feeling unhappy in general. I knew that when I went to ask him, I was probably going to get a little teary.

So, I'm in with the doctor, he's checking me out and diagnosing my sinus infection. He casually asks, "How are things going with trying to get pregnant?" and I proceed to lose my sh*t. I wasn't teary, I went straight to the ugly cry...y'know the one where your whole face gets red and puffy, tears are streaming down your cheeks, and you can't talk clearly. I was even making those little, pathetic, hiccup-type noises. Well, my poor, sweet doctor looked like he wanted to die. He's apologizing and trying to console me while I'm telling him that it's okay because I was going to cry today anyway and that it's not his fault. The whole situation was so ridiculous that I can't even write about it now without giggling. Ahh, the joys of infertility.

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