Friday, May 23, 2008

Nothing to lose

I left out a part from my previous post about the retirement dinner and now I think I'm ready to write about it.

As I drove home from the party, I was so determined to cry. The tears had been building and I just needed that release, like a full blown sob session. Only it wouldn't come. Just a few tears hovering on the surface. I was actually irritated that I couldn't cry. Like it was unfair. I had been at a fun event with others and couldn't keep it together. And now I'm by myself and I can't lose it.

As my drive continued, I put on some Indigo Girls to sing along to and tried that for a bit. Singing is really cathartic for me. Halfway through a first song, my head is usually clear and my mind at ease. But even the singing wouldn't bring me any comfort.

I was just in my head. Stuck there...thinking about my infertility...a million thoughts racing around but never getting anywhere that I needed them to be, settled somewhere in coherence. And to tell you the truth, looking back, I can't even remember the first half of what I was thinking on that drive home. It was so jumbled yet scattered and I just can't recall.

Suddenly, I said aloud, "What am I doing here?" My own voice startled me in the silence of the car. And who am I talking to? Is it God? I mean I do talk to Him a lot, but this time I just wasn't sure this question was intended for Him. But then why not? Shouldn't all of my questions be intended for Him? And seriously, what in the hell am I doing here??! Dealing with medication and doctor's visits and bloodwork and an IUI that probably won't work (not because I'm negative but because I've seen the statistics so I'm just being realistic) and then the possibility of having to deal with it not working. What on Earth am I doing here? How did I get to this place where I feel like a failure as a woman because I'm not conceiving quickly and a failure as a friend because I sometimes avoid them when I'm sad and a failure as a wife because I'm supposed to be able to start a family with ease and....just a failure. What am I doing here? How did I get here? And why am I here?

I've thought a lot about the fact that God has a plan for me. This usually brings me comfort in most situations, but for the last few days, it's just not. I want it to, but it's not. I can't come to any conclusion as to why I am dealing with this. Usually I can figure stuff out. Find a reason that I am comfortable with and then make peace with it, at least for the time being. But lately, there's no peace. Just this pinball bouncing around inside me...trying to find a quiet, gentle place to settle.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Jacki...I feel the same way so much of the time. I think...whose life is this?? I never in a million years imagined we'd have fertlity problems, let alone have a miscarriage. I'm sorry you and I have to feel this way and go through this. I too have been struggling with knowing that God has a plan for me...and this is His plan. I'm not so fond of the plan right now. :(