I let infertility control my life again. I hate when I do that.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm almost done taking my 100 mg of Clomid. This is right around the time that my side effects started last cycle. Sure enough, last night the insomnia kicks in and today, I'm overly emotional and trying not to cry.
I went to a retirement dinner for two of my colleagues. It should've been a nice night for me to relax and enjoy myself with the other teachers.
Strike one: It's just been a long day. I worked, then tutored, then went straight to dinner and just throw the insomnia on top of that. I'm sleepy.
Strike two: I arrive early to ensure a good table with friends. My principal crashed our table...even when we told her it was full (she just took someone's spot!). My principal doesn't even like me! Why does she feel compelled to sit with me? Following the principal's lead, another administrator comes to steal a friend's spot at our table. This meal is going to feel like a day at work! Why don't you just make me come in on Saturday already?
Strike three: At the table in front of me, there is a veeeerrrrrrrry pregnant woman. Like, we may have to deliver her child on the dance floor pregnant. This means I will more than likely be fixated on her all night while contemplating my bitterness and extreme jealousy.
Three strikes, you're out the door. I should have just left. God was giving me clear signs to leave from the get go. Note to self: Next time, ignore peers and proper, social etiquette and instead listen to God. He is all-knowing, after all.
But I stay. I stay to stare at the pregnant woman, smile politely at my bosses and try not to nod off at the table. And then I start feeling like I'm going to cry again. Greeaat. I'm doing my best to suppress the tears and, big surprise, I end up needing to leave the table.
In the bathroom, I quickly compose myself. The verdict is good. My makeup is intact and I'm not splotchy. My game face back on, I head out to the table for round two.
As I sit back down, a woman I haven't seen in a while catches my attention. "Are you pregnant?" she asks. Night over. After saying my very quick goodbyes, I'm out.