The not-so-relaxing weekend

The hospital wasn't able to fit Mr. Jaguar in the schedule that Friday.  His inferior vena cava would have to wait to be installed until the following Monday.  I would spend the coming days intently staring at him, watching him for any signs of trouble.  The tiniest sputter from him would be followed by the question from me, "Are you okay?"  I must've been really annoying that weekend, but I was so terrified that he would drop dead in front of me.  I spent Friday in a kind of denial, repeatedly convincing myself that everything would be fine.  What's 48 more hours?  No biggie.

I spent Saturday fixated on what it would look like if my husband had a pulmonary embolism in front of me.  Every time, I would try to block the thought out but the visualization kept returning.  One of the doctors who had treated my husband earlier had said there would be a lot of blood.  Would BabyJaguar be in the room?  Would it be quick?  Would my husband be terrified?  Would my son be hysterical crying?  The questions just kept coming.  Saturday was a really bad day for thinking. 

I can't even really remember Sunday.  I was emotionally exhausted by that point.  But I assure you it still consisted of interrogating my husband whenever he made the slightest sound.  It was just such a strange weekend.  Surreal. 

The filter was put in place that Monday.  It took a week or so for my head and heart to really wrap around the fact that my husband should be okay.  The filter has stayed put and is doing its job.  Mr Jaguar continues to take his blood thinners.  My only worry now pretty much revolves around him getting into some kind of accident that causes him to bleed to death, but I'm rolling with that fear.  That's so odd to stay, but that concern is just part of my new normal. 

My husband and I are still discussing what to do in terms of testing BabyJaguar for the mutation.  The hematologist has said to wait on it.  The pediatrician doesn't really have an opinion on it.  They just refer you to a pediatric hematologist.  I'm debating scheduling that appointment sooner than later.  Before testing him, I have to consider whether we want to get a life insurance policy for BabyJaguar now as a positive result could result in insurance difficulties for him later on down the road.  We'll see how this all unfolds, but for now, I'm just tremendously grateful for my little family of three remaining a family of three.