Work was awful today. Like crying by 9:30 in the morning awful.
But the thing was, it wasn't that awful. Like nothing so horrible happened that I shouldn't have been able to recover, but I couldn't recover. I'm still on the edge of tears and have been for most of the day. I woke up ridiculously tired, my daycare lady is trying to change our schedule after only working eight days, my principal is trying to make my rearrange my classroom furniture, and I couldn't pump in the morning because I had a meeting where I had to argue about what is considered appropriate testing for my special ed students. And I may have used the word "stupid" at least five times in that last conversation, not about my students, but about the fact that the district requires me to test my students using material that is way too hard for them. Sure, it was a heck of a bumpy morning, but I should've been able to bounce back.
But I couldn't. I couldn't because returning to work is so much harder than I thought it would be. I hate it. This was my first full week as the last two were only two days and then four days. These last five days were so hard. For one, I'm exhausted. BabyJaguar still rarely sleeps through the night and lately has been waking up twice instead of once, leaving me dead tired on most days. Second, pumping at work is taking its toll. I try to pump three times a day. I always pump on my prep period and at lunch. Plus, I also pump either early in the morning or sometime after lunch depending on when the boy last ate in the morning. This cuts my lunch and prep period in half, twenty minutes apiece. It's not enough time. It's not enough time at all. I don't have enough minutes in the prep to get done everything I need to do and I don't have enough minutes in the lunch to regain my sanity. There's no down time. Ever. Sometimes, I just cry in the closet while I'm pumping because I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Also, I have a mediocre milk supply so I'm always stressing about how many ounces I'm pumping. I need to start addressing that.
I just want to be home with my baby so badly. Not worrying about pumping or washing a billion bottles, not constantly rushing, not wanting to shatter my alarm clock at 6 am. I just want to be home taking care of Ben.
When I was at home full time, I had one job: mommy. And I was good at it. Now I have two jobs: mommy and teacher. And I feel like I kinda suck at both of them. I'm too tired and don't have enough minutes in my day to be successful.
I know this will get easier. But right now, it feels impossible.