Friday, November 7, 2008

WARNING: Pregnancy can impair judgement

I stole from the dollar store. It's true, I did it. And now, a week or so later, I'm still not even sorry. Oddly, I feel justified...even though I know I owe the Dollar Tree $1.07.

Preface: I'm your typical upstanding citizen. I'm friendly to customer service people, I blatantly pick up litter in front of the people who intentionally dropped it while giving them the I-hate-you face, I return items to the proper shelf when I find them on a store's floor. All around, I'm a decent person.

So, on the day before Halloween, I threw my upstanding citizenship out the Dollar Tree door and into the cool, autumn air when I stole a roll of masking tape. Here's how it all began....

I've been struggling with insomnia as a lovely side effect of my pregnancy for the past 13 weeks. It's not fun at all. I've been unable to nap during the week and randomly wake up at night for hours at a time. There's generally no real catching up on the sleep that I miss out on. On that particular Thursday morning, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and was up for the rest of the day. By 9:00 a.m., while sitting at my desk waiting for my students to arrive to start the day, I burst into tears of exhaustion while my co-teacher looked on baffled. I just couldn't even process the idea of twenty seven students that day, let alone the next day, the beloved yet dreaded by school teachers everywhere, Halloween.

My day carried on with me mostly in an exhausted stupor. The kids eventually went home, I left as well and headed to the glass store to get new panes for two of the windows in my house. I stumbled through that process and got back in the car to go buy stickers for my Halloween costume for the next day's parade at which point a slew of obscenities flew out of my mouth. I had forgotten the masking tape and mailing labels at work that I needed for my costume. Now, I would not only have to buy stickers, but the masking tape and labels as well. Damnit.

I went to Staples first. Masking tape was only available in a 4-pack for $8!!? No. I'm not paying that much for something sitting in my desk drawer at work. While in Staples, I called Joe who quickly found mailing labels to bring home from his office. Unfortunately, his office does not use masking tape. Odd, no? Staples also did not have the stickers I needed but I wasn't really expecting them to. Right around this point is when I start realizing that I have to eat. I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous. Damn having to eat every three hours.

Next stop, Dollar Tree. As I walk in, I'm stunned by the week-before-Christmas-length line. And the Christmas items on display and the many people who are actually purchasing them. What the hell? I've fast forwarded to December 20th. Maybe the line will be down by the time I have to pay. I find my roll of masking tape but no stickers, which means I still have to drive to the craft store two towns over. Damnit.

Done shopping, I head up to the front of the store only to find that the line is still just as long as when I arrived. I cannot bear the idea of standing in that line. It is so long, I am so tired and I feel like crap. I stall, thinking that if I wander the store for a couple minutes the line will go down. Doesn't work.

And then it hits me.

I have to steal the tape.

I have no other even slightly reasonable options. I need the tape for my costume. I would like to throw up. My eyes are half closed. The line is not even a choice to me right then. I am going to steal the tape.

Right at this moment, my phone rings. I pick up and it's one of my good friends.

"Hey, Jacki! What are you doing?"

I throw the tape in my bag and head out the door.

"Stealing a roll of tape from the dollar store," I whisper into the phone. The sound of her dying laughing on the other end of the line makes me erupt into giggles. And I begin telling her the story of why, even though I have money sitting in my purse, it was completely and totally reasonable that I took the tape.


jess said...

you ROCK!

Anonymous said...

So when I started reading your post I thought it was going to be one of those I put the tape in my bag to hold it an accidentally forgot to pay for it kind of stealing. Now that I read the whole thing I'm actually a little disappointed that you really did steal it. Maybe it's more the fact that you stole it and you are telling everyone that you did and seem proud of it.

SweetSpikette said...


i just read an article yesterday about a guy who once stole a pack of cigarettes from a store. a few years later he sent them an apology letter with $100 bucks in it.
not sure the tape is worth that much, but maybe you can add $1.07 to your next purchase or something. :)

on another note, i hope you are able to get some decent rest soon.

JackiJaguar said...

Settle down...I plan to pay the Dollar Tree back next time I go there. The point of the story is that in total exhaustion from pregnancy, you'll do things you'd never considered before. It's a funny story. And it's a dollar. Get down off your high horse and leave your name next time, too.

Kelly said...

I can't tell you how hard I'm laughing at you being chastised by "anonymous" for this story....if only she knew how much crap we stole in college! You'd really get a tongue lashing for that!!! :)

JackiJaguar said...

Bringing up our college drunken (ahem, keyword right there is drunken) thievery is not helping my cause with the stranger among us, but is however completely amusing me. Like you, Mo was also quick to point out that apparently pregnancy must have the same effect on me as alcohol given the recent Dollar Tree event.

Mosie Pie said...

Kelly and Jacki
stealing is no laughing matter. Unless it involves hundreds of mouse pads!
Anonymous-you must not know Jacki, she has the biggest heart and not a malicious bones in her body. I am sure her rescue animals, the students she teachers, her friends, and family can attest to that. Oh, I am disappointed in you that you had to hide behind a shroud of anonymity
p.s. Jacki and Kelly, if pregnancy and drinking have the same effect, where is the 'new' l.i.s.t.