I'm officially ready....

for something to be easy. Anything. Minor, major, just something that goes smoothly without any hassle or aggravation. This, unfortunately, is part one of a series....

My maternity leave is (allegedly) worked out. Basically, my union has been fighting with my school district for over a year regarding the district not following federal law as well as their own contract in terms of family medical leave and benefits for teachers out on maternity. Enter me, stage right, the next person in line to be screwed over. For weeks, I've been dealing with this, stressing over it. Basically, my HR person reached a point where she just started ignoring my very polite, friendly e-mails regarding what she was telling me versus the law. They really were friendly. I'm not even being sarcastic. I've got people that can vouch for my friendliness.

So last Thursday, the day of reckoning was looming: the union's attorneys and district's attorneys were prepared to meet the next day. If things could not be resolved at this meeting, the union would file a federal lawsuit against the district. Who should e-mail me but the HR lady asking me to call her when I had a minute. This would be a good time to mention that HR has put absolutely nothing in writing regarding my maternity leave, even in e-mails (because the f-ers know they're shady). So I call her and what does she say?

"I just wanted to let you know that everything worked out with your maternity leave. You do qualify for federal Family Medical Leave (no shit) and your benefits will be covered through the summer."

Here's what I wanted to say: "Thank you, go f#ck yourself." For needlessly stressing me out. For making me sob, worrying about money. For wasting my time for weeks. For ignoring my e-mails. For completely disregarding the law which was written so clearly and in such layman's terms that a goddamned monkey could understand it. Just.Go.F#ck.Yourself.

What I actually said because I need this woman to work with me in the future: "Wow. That's the best news I've heard all day! Thanks. Have a great day. Talk to you soon."

But seriously, SHAME ON YOU, SCHOOL DISTRICT! Shame on you for treating your employees like this. Shame on you for wasting time and resources intentionally trying to screw people over to save a buck, people who work hard for you. Shame on you for blowing my union dues on unnecessary attorney fees. Shame on you for spending money on your own lawyers that could be going to our students, or God forbid, raises for your staff. Shame on you for wasting my precious 40 minutes of prep on who knows how many days because I was calling you trying to figure this crap out or e-mailing back and forth with our union leaders about this stupid bullsh#t waste of time.

I can't help but wonder how many women got the same call that Thursday, less than 24 hours before the attorneys go at it, to say, "Tada! Everything's fixed!"

I haven't heard the outcome of the attorney's meeting yet. I'll write about it when I know what's up.

P.S. I forgot to mention my thoughts on this poor HR woman. Basically, last year the real, trained, lawyer HR woman's contract was not renewed and she was never replaced so the woman who was essentially her assistant is now in charge of the entire department and I think just pretty much doing whatever the superintendent says. Can you imagine the position she's in?? This is another reason I try to be very nice to her. I'm not sure she's okay with what she's being required to do. Still, I hope she's really a mole, reporting all this crap to the Department of Labor when she gets home at night. That would make her my hero.

As of approximately four minutes ago....

I am 60% of the way done my Masters! Woot! I just finished my final paper for my two current classes and I now have off until.....Monday. OK, the Monday part isn't all that impressive but still, I'll take it. Provided I didn't royally screw anything up, I officially only have 18 weeks left of grad school.

I'm not sure that I've even really blogged about my Masters' program. Basically, late last spring, while feeling like a complete failure in the infertility arena, I decided that I should find something I could be successful with. I decided I should pursue my Masters, but also decided that I really really like my bathrobe. So then it was decided that I should get my Masters online. Genius, right? Well, yeah, it turns out it is because I can do the whole thing in my bathrobe. A major concern, however, was that I am huge procrastinator, or at least I was for my entire undergrad experience. But it turns out that once you hit 30 and actually pay for stuff yourself while fully understanding the impact student loans have on your life, you step up to the plate and figure out the whole growing up thing.

Last June, I started my accelerated program. On July 31, provided everything goes well with the remainder of my pregnancy and the arrival of Ben, I will be finished with the program. I have had little to no social life since last summer and will finish the last 9 weeks of the program with a newborn, God willing. What the hell am I thinking? I'm thinking I don't want to return to work in September with an infant and two grad classes left. The road has been bumpy. Full time work plus part time work plus full time school has not always made for a happy pregnant woman (not even close, in fact she has often been sobbing), but I'll be done. I'll have a (slightly) higher salary to take care of my child. And I'll have more time to spend with him after a long day apart. And I just have to keep telling myself that for the remaining 18 weeks of my program.

In other news, I am awating the arrival of my Snuggie (more on that later). That's right, I'm getting a Snuggie, in monk-maroon no less. Can you picture me at the computer, blogging or writing a paper while not having to deal with that pesky blanket thrown over me that keeps slipping off my shoulders? You know you're jealous...as you should be.

Fact of the Day

Brought to you by three hours of breastfeeding class this morning...

When breastfeeding women climax during sex, they often let down their milk. That's right, when they orgasm, their breasts start leaking everywhere or possibly even spraying everywhere. So keep a towel handy.

There are no words.

If you are one of the breastfeeding women this did not happen to, please leave a comment letting me know. If you are someone this happened to, keep your trap shut! I don't want to hear about it! Lalalala.....I can't hear you!!!

Freakin' priceless

Follow up to my rant about children wearing inappropriate clothing. This morning, a mother comes in with her 5th grade daughter to talk with me about a project. As we're all talking, I realize the daughter is wearing a Juicy shirt which at the bottom says in small letters, but not too small (bigger than the font you're reading right now):

"Kick a$$ couture"

Instead of dollar signs, the s's were little hearts.

WTF??? I don't even say anything in front of the mom because I decide I am not in the mood to start my Friday morning with a confrontation. Instead, I talk to the daughter later that morning right before I make her go flip her shirt inside out. What does the daughter say?

"My mom knew my shirt says this, but she thought the words were so small that no one would notice."

Oh, okay...then it's totally fine. By the way, your mom's a moron.

Some parenting thoughts

Before I vent, let me preface this post by saying that I in no way think parenting is an easy job. Nor do I think I will be some stellar example of parenting perfection. And, for the most part, I think that I'm fairly open-minded most of the time. I don't stress much at the possibility of my eventual teenager having blue hair, intentionally ripped pants or being that token hippy or punk rock kid in my neighborhood, provided they clean it up a bit when they're with grandma and consistently treat others with respect. If he wears his baseball hat sideways, that's another issue, but that's a personal thing that drives me up the wall. I just want to raise my kids to be respectful with good heads on their shoulders.

This week I was at school with my 5th graders and noticed that one of my boys was wearing a shirt with two hands on it held up in capital L's as if holding an invisible camera. The phrase posted above it?

"Picture me caring".

On the same day, I noticed that one of my girls had writing on the behind of her sweats.

The very next day, another one of my boys came in wearing a shirt with a pair of eyes rolling upward and the following word:

"Whatever".

Cue my rant of the week or month or whatever. Why the hell do parents allow children to have writing printed on their backsides and wear shirts with rude remarks on them??!!! Seriously...I've had enough of this. My students are 10 and 11 years old! Why do people think it's okay for young girls in our society to have attention intentionally drawn to their behinds? I don't get it. Have you taken a look lately in a kids' clothing store? A ton of stuff for the girls is more like outfits for teenagers or women that are just smaller. It makes me ill. And don't even get me started on the Playboy Bunny that has popped up on shirts, keychains and purses in recent years. I can't even begin to talk about that. Our society sexualizes our children younger than ever and then is baffled by why they are dealing with issues that kids previously struggled with much later in life. And so, early on in the words-on-a$s trend, I came to the conclusion that any daughters I may have will not be permitted to have any butt print of any kind. I don't care what it says....pink, justice, field hockey. No to all of it. Because I don't want my kid to think that's what's important in her life should be announced via her a$s.

The rude shirts thing annoys me even more. And you know that 10 and 11 year olds are not out shopping for their own clothes which means some dipsh!t parent is out with them, chuckling over the fact that they're about to drop $20 on a shirt that has a comment on it that would make me want to smack a child if the comment actually came out of their mouth. And the thing is, the kids who wear these shirts to school, let's just say that in my nine years of teaching, none of them are winning any awards for their outstanding dedication to their studies or positive attitude towards life in general.

And in the same respect, why are small children wearing clothing with statements like, "100% spoiled brat" or "diva"? I don't get it....if your kid's wearing it, it's generally because there is some ounce of truth to it that makes the shirt humorous to whoever purchased it. But really, what's funny about it? What compels you to advertise the fact that your child is currently struggling with behavior? It's normal for kids to go through difficult phases, but is it normal for parents to brag about it via a onesie like they hope it continues forever and ever?

I'm all for kids expressing their individuality and coming into their own. In fact, I think it's an important part of their development. But why aren't some parents providing a little more guidance in this department?

JackiJaguar steps off her soapbox, bringing her judgemental and harsh but completely honest rant to a close.

I feel like I never talk about anything baby...

My posts often seem to be about stuff that, while it has to do with the boy, are often not about the boy directly. So I need to take some time to chat about him....

Well, first off, he has a name. Benjamin Michael. My husband loves the name Benjamin and I do, too. However, I never brought the name up because I have a college ex by the same name, so I just assumed it was off limits and was fine with that. Eventually, Mr. Jaguar brought the name up and we both talked about our love of the name. So, Mr. Jaguar, being the confident man that he is, announced that he could care less that it's the same name as my ex and I decided that I could be on board with that kind of thinking. Some of my friends from college will probably have a field day with it and it's one more reason I'll never join Facebook, but it's all good.

So far, Ben is big. He measured 24 ounces back when the book said he was supposed to be 20 ounces. That's not so much, right? Except when you realize that's 20% larger than the book says. We had another ultrasound when the book said he should be between 1 3/4 and 2 pounds. He was 2 1/2 pounds. That's 25%+ larger than the book says. I know you're not supposed place a lot of faith on the u/s weights, but still, I hope to get this kid out via my vagina. I'm just saying. The whole thing is a little alarming. Makes me feel a little sore down there.

Sometimes, Ben gets the hiccups. It's the craziest, strangest thing.

Ben prefers to chill on my left side. He's breech right now and seems to be jabbing his little hiney out to the left of my belly button at all times. Nothing symmetrical about it. This also puts him in the perfect position to repeatedly kick me in my pubic area. Little feet just kicking straight down at me.

Ben's nursery is, ummm....coming along. I'll post more about that later. Let's just say it's going to be a very slow process. The windows just arrived as well as the interior door. Are you getting the idea?

I have my 1 hour glucose test tomorrow. Wish me luck. I do not have the sick days to take a half day off if I fail and have to go back for the 3 hour. I'm throwing up little glucose prayers to Baby Jesus.

Shades of blue

I've been looking over my posts and realized that I haven't said anything about the third trimester. I'm there! Who'da thunk it, huh? Still can't always even process the fact that I'm actually pregnant and here I am at 28 1/2 weeks.

I'm definitely back to being tired like in the first trimester. And as for the "2nd trimester burst of energy", I kinda rank that with other mythological beings like dragons and unicorns. The 2nd trimester could better be referred to as the "few months when you somewhat stay alert for the majority of the day." It's by no means a burst of energy, at least not for me. It's more like the trimester when you feel more like a regular human for a bit.

My head has been in a rough place these last couple weeks. I've been really tired and just generally stressed. While I'm so excited to meet our son, I'm beginning to have some anxiety about it. I had my first baby dream and it was definitely stress related. In the dream, he was in a sling but the sling was really like this deep duffle bag. And he was in the bottom of it, completely swaddled but the swaddle was wrapped all around his face. I was in a panic thinking he couldn't breathe and had died, but when I get him out of the duffle and the swaddle, he was just all red and sweaty. And in that moment of relief, I realized my baby was not cute at all. Doesn't that sound horrible? Like completely shallow? But in the dream, he didn't even look like a baby, he was like a little ugly man baby. Sorta like Danny Devito.

I'm also having a lot of money concerns but that's really not anything new. It's just that now those concerns are a little bigger because we will be a family of three instead of two. Pile on to that the fact that I don't get paid over the summer because I teach and well, I'm just really stressed. Every summer, I teach a summer program but obviously won't this season, so I'm worried. I squirrel away money where I can but it still worries me to no end. There are proactive steps I've taken to address the money issue. I tutor 3 hours per week to generate some extra income. I'm in school full-time earning my Masters' so that I will have a pay raise next year. But the problem is that doing those things while pregnant is exhausting and is making me even more stressed.

Finally, my school district is screwing me on my maternity leave, like completely illegally screwing me. My union is in the process of grieving this issue and my understanding is that if it does not get resolved, a federal lawsuit will be filed. Basically, the district is saying that, because I will not be in school in June to finish out the year and do not have enough sick days to cover me through the end of the year, they are not responsible for paying my health insurance for the summer. This goes against everything in our contract as well as the law in general, but my district has a tendency to do whatever they want and deal with those pesky details later on. So even though I will only be missing the last 4 1/2 weeks of the school year, they are requiring that I take a full 12 weeks of Family & Medical Leave time which will last me through July (assuming I can work up until my due date). Then I will be responsible for paying health insurance for the month of August for myself, my husband and the baby. The sooner I have to go out on maternity, the earlier my 12 weeks will be up and the more health insurance I will have to pay. Awesome, right? Hopefully, my union and district will resolve this before my maternity starts but I honestly am not hopeful at all. In the meantime, I need to suck it up and keep my mouth shut because I won't be tenured until next school year.

Where's my husband in all of this? I don't know really. Finances are a topic we generally struggle with communication wise and there's often a large wall between us on this issue. Sometimes, I think he doesn't talk about it because it stresses him out. But most of the time, I kinda think he just thinks it will all work out in the end because it always has in the past. I handle the finances and sometimes feel like he has too much faith in my to fix things that are not fixable without some major, major changes.

How could I forget? There have also been some major issues with my baby shower....family stuff that is too personal to explain on a blog. But the issues are driving a major wedge between me and my husband as well as making me pretty unenthusiastic about my shower. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful that people I love are going to come together to celebrate the birth of our child and shower us with the many things needed to have a baby, but the stress of the other issues is just making me wish we had gobs of money so that we could just go buy what we need and forget about all of it. With the stress of everything else going on, the shower issues are just becoming too much to handle.

So that's where I'm at...stressed, tired and often teary. But still really grateful that I'm pregnant.