BFN and then....

So I got my blood test this morning to confirm my non-pregnant status. The nurse told me to expect a call confirming my negative result after 2:30 and then they'd call in my Provera prescription. My phone rang around three and the nurse says, "Well, you're not pregnant...however..."

Wait!! What??!! There's a however?! What could the however possibly be?

"You ovulated." What?! My cycle day 12 ultrasound revealed many, unfortunately tiny eggs. I humored the doctor with a cycle day 20 ultrasound just to be sure, only to find even more unfortunately tiny eggs. And now on cycle day 32, you're telling me that, lo and behold, 100 mg of Clomid actually worked but too late for any of us to actually notice?!

Motherf%cker.

"You have to wait another week to see if your period arrives naturally, come in for another pregnancy test and then we can give you the Provera." Arrggghh....hell! I flash back to the past week or so....could I even be pregnant? No. I got wicked sunburn last week, on my inner thighs no less, and so sex was so not happening. I don't have a shot at being pregnant. And now I just have to wait another stupid week to get the ball rolling (I know, I know, it's a lesson in patience, blah blah blah, I don't wanna hear it right now).

I don't actually say any of that. My response is more along the lines of "Okay, thanks."

Here's the weird thing. I'm actually annoyed that I ovulated. I know what you're thinking, I should be grateful. But this is my blog so I get to be honest. I'm annoyed. For a couple reasons. First, we missed the big O so I never got to have the IUI. That part makes me want to kick my ovaries for d!cking around for the first 20 days. Second, and I've been pondering this part for awhile, (insert my whispering voice here) I don't think the Clomid is my answer. I don't know why. It's just a gut thing. I don't think Clomid is what's meant to give me a baby. I have no real rationale for this nor medical expertise, it's just my big hunch. And so I'm kind of aggravated because this means I have to spend more time taking Clomid since it actually did its job and made me ovulate. I have to spend more time on the treatment that I don't believe is the answer for me. I had already changed my mindset to one more month of Clomid and then moving on to the next step. I had done all of my reading up on injectables and had my game face on.

Now, I don't need anyone to leave me comments about how I'm negative and I should be counting my blessings. I know and I'm counting. I know that the fact that the Clomid worked is medically a good thing. I know the risks of injectables, especially with PCOS. It's just that I had already processed and accepted the fact that the Clomid didn't work. I'm a planner and I had already made my plan. Planners are not impressed when they have to change their plans. I had moved on from this cycle. And now....I have to make sense of things again.

OK, God. I understand that I don't get to control everything. Point made. And I guess thank you for the pleasant surprise of ovulation. I'm sorry it's taking me awhile to appreciate it. I promise to be on board with your plan by next week.

Nothing to lose

I left out a part from my previous post about the retirement dinner and now I think I'm ready to write about it.

As I drove home from the party, I was so determined to cry. The tears had been building and I just needed that release, like a full blown sob session. Only it wouldn't come. Just a few tears hovering on the surface. I was actually irritated that I couldn't cry. Like it was unfair. I had been at a fun event with others and couldn't keep it together. And now I'm by myself and I can't lose it.

As my drive continued, I put on some Indigo Girls to sing along to and tried that for a bit. Singing is really cathartic for me. Halfway through a first song, my head is usually clear and my mind at ease. But even the singing wouldn't bring me any comfort.

I was just in my head. Stuck there...thinking about my infertility...a million thoughts racing around but never getting anywhere that I needed them to be, settled somewhere in coherence. And to tell you the truth, looking back, I can't even remember the first half of what I was thinking on that drive home. It was so jumbled yet scattered and I just can't recall.

Suddenly, I said aloud, "What am I doing here?" My own voice startled me in the silence of the car. And who am I talking to? Is it God? I mean I do talk to Him a lot, but this time I just wasn't sure this question was intended for Him. But then why not? Shouldn't all of my questions be intended for Him? And seriously, what in the hell am I doing here??! Dealing with medication and doctor's visits and bloodwork and an IUI that probably won't work (not because I'm negative but because I've seen the statistics so I'm just being realistic) and then the possibility of having to deal with it not working. What on Earth am I doing here? How did I get to this place where I feel like a failure as a woman because I'm not conceiving quickly and a failure as a friend because I sometimes avoid them when I'm sad and a failure as a wife because I'm supposed to be able to start a family with ease and....just a failure. What am I doing here? How did I get here? And why am I here?

I've thought a lot about the fact that God has a plan for me. This usually brings me comfort in most situations, but for the last few days, it's just not. I want it to, but it's not. I can't come to any conclusion as to why I am dealing with this. Usually I can figure stuff out. Find a reason that I am comfortable with and then make peace with it, at least for the time being. But lately, there's no peace. Just this pinball bouncing around inside me...trying to find a quiet, gentle place to settle.