Fuck her

The babysitter quit last Thursday. She'll stay until I find somebody else. But who the hell wants to send their kid to a woman who you know doesn't want to spend time with him?

Babysitter #1 is our friend's sister. She was watching two children (our friend's daughter and another child) and was eager to add BabyJaguar to her responsibilities. She had him every week day except Thursday. On day seven of watching the boy, she asks me to see if I can change her schedule to have Wednesdays off instead. I tell her I don't think I can do that but I figure it out by day 9 and tell her she can have Wednesdays off instead of Thursdays. She declines. WTF? On day 10, she quits. Her reason? "He cried a lot today. And when I picked him up, he'd stop so I know he was fine." Ummmm....yeah, he's a four month old who's getting over a cold, got vaccines last night and is teething. He may occasionally have days when he needs some extra love. I'm so sorry you had to show affection to my child. Fucking asshole. It seems that the third child is the straw that broke her back. She cannot fit a third carseat in her car and it leaves her stuck at her house. Her 3rd grade daughter forgot her lunch that day and she couldn't bring it to her so she had to call her mother-in-law because her daughter couldn't eat the sandwich or cereal that the school would provide to her child due to the forgetten lunch. What a crisis of mass proportions. I'm surprised I didn't feel the Earth stop on its axis.

So now I'm looking for a new sitter. So far I found two possibilities: one who is just up the road from my job but watches up to seven children at a time (when my kid is too young for both the regular and H1N1 flu shot) and one who is totally and completely out of the way but would only be watching BabyJaguar, leaving me driving a lot of miles each day but with peace of mind that he's not catching every bug in sight.

We'll see how this all unfolds. It may involve me throat punching my original sitter.

I need to win the lottery

Work was awful today. Like crying by 9:30 in the morning awful.

But the thing was, it wasn't that awful. Like nothing so horrible happened that I shouldn't have been able to recover, but I couldn't recover. I'm still on the edge of tears and have been for most of the day. I woke up ridiculously tired, my daycare lady is trying to change our schedule after only working eight days, my principal is trying to make my rearrange my classroom furniture, and I couldn't pump in the morning because I had a meeting where I had to argue about what is considered appropriate testing for my special ed students. And I may have used the word "stupid" at least five times in that last conversation, not about my students, but about the fact that the district requires me to test my students using material that is way too hard for them. Sure, it was a heck of a bumpy morning, but I should've been able to bounce back.

But I couldn't. I couldn't because returning to work is so much harder than I thought it would be. I hate it. This was my first full week as the last two were only two days and then four days. These last five days were so hard. For one, I'm exhausted. BabyJaguar still rarely sleeps through the night and lately has been waking up twice instead of once, leaving me dead tired on most days. Second, pumping at work is taking its toll. I try to pump three times a day. I always pump on my prep period and at lunch. Plus, I also pump either early in the morning or sometime after lunch depending on when the boy last ate in the morning. This cuts my lunch and prep period in half, twenty minutes apiece. It's not enough time. It's not enough time at all. I don't have enough minutes in the prep to get done everything I need to do and I don't have enough minutes in the lunch to regain my sanity. There's no down time. Ever. Sometimes, I just cry in the closet while I'm pumping because I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Also, I have a mediocre milk supply so I'm always stressing about how many ounces I'm pumping. I need to start addressing that.

I just want to be home with my baby so badly. Not worrying about pumping or washing a billion bottles, not constantly rushing, not wanting to shatter my alarm clock at 6 am. I just want to be home taking care of Ben.

When I was at home full time, I had one job: mommy. And I was good at it. Now I have two jobs: mommy and teacher. And I feel like I kinda suck at both of them. I'm too tired and don't have enough minutes in my day to be successful.

I know this will get easier. But right now, it feels impossible.

Where am I???

I'm so disoriented.....

This morning, BabyJaguar woke up very early. I fed him, we hung out for a bit and then Mr. Jaguar got up and took him so I could sleep a bit longer. My husband is generally very good about this on the weekends. He sees how often I go to bed after him, get up during the night and then wake up before him, so I slept for an extra hour.

Then I woke up but BabyJaguar had gone down for a nap and was still asleep, so I showered.

Then he was still asleep, so I shaved.

Then he was still asleep, so I pumiced. Just because I could.

Then he was still asleep, so I ate.

And now here I am....rested, clean, smooth and fed all by ten thirty in the morning. This is unheard of in my world.

In other news, my return to work was as okay as it could be. I was a flat out mess on the first day. I shouldn't have even bothered to put on makeup because I cried it all off. And since I'd been out on maternity, everybody wanted to welcome me back with a hug and that just made me cry harder and then I got more hugs because of the tears which made me cry harder...you get the idea. It was a vicious cycle. I settled down after a while. BabyJaguar had a great day away. He was happy and rested well and that's all that matters.

The second day wasn't too bad because I knew I had five days off at the end of it and I was busy working in my classroom. Oh yeah, my classroom.....for the past three years, I've taught in-class support where I work in someone else's room, so I haven't had to set up my own and instead have just helped my co-teacher set up theirs. Well, that was supposed to be my gig this year until state test scores came in, the special ed kids didn't do well and my principal decided to shake everything up. So on August 26th, one week before work starts, I get a call that my job has changed, I teach in a different grade and I have a classroom to open. And I have to wait to work on my room until the other teacher moves her stuff out and she's been in that room for about 15 years. Awesomeness. The first day and a half of my two days back to work pretty much consisted of helping the other teacher move her stuff out. Needless to say, the room is in shambles. Whatever. It will be done when it is done.

Next week is only four days long and then two days with BabyJaguar.

D-day

Daycare day has arrived.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Sadly, I did not win last night's lottery. Shocking, I know.